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Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
And then her mood ring just...exploded
3 things I will never understand: 1. The meaning of life. 2. The universe. 3. How Spongebob & Patrick made those sounds effects in that box.
"I`m single and ready to mingle"..oh god, is this why I`m still single, cuz I say sh!t like that?
Often I convince myself I enjoy the company of other humans. Then I spend time with them and remember I don`t.
I wish I could veto MY bills.
Forget drugs and sex. Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
My bank balance is a constant reminder that I`m safe from identity theft
Holy sh!t! I just opened a bag of cheddar and sour cream Ruffles and one of the chips was plain. This is a sign, man. God is going to smite all of us f*ckers with his wrath and send us to all to burn in the eternal flames of... Sorry. Just one side of the chip was plain. Carry on.
If you can´t amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bullsh*t
Being married is 90% talking about what to have for dinner.
Went for a mile run today. Stupid Ice Cream Man just kept driving even though I was waving my money in the air!
When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"
I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.
I feel that being a smarta$$ is my duty. The pay sucks, but the work is very rewarding.