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When I`m bored, nobody texts me. But as soon as I`m busy, BAM! ... still nobody texts me.
I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
I have thought a lot about it and I am thrilled to announce that I have decided to never die.
You may think I`m dumb but you overestimate me.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I`m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Would you like to donate $1 to this charity or leave the checkout line feeling like human scum?
Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink every night
I have an alcohol problem, in that I can`t afford any.
The Zoo is a safe place to fart.
No, an erection is not considered personal growth.
I may or may not have just "Whipped my Hair Back and Forth".......
The best thing about marriage is how wives always like to joke about making sure the life insurance premiums are paid up...
Why is it called Boob Sweat and not Humiditties?
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them and why aren`t we helping to find them?