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Went to the bookstore to pick up a "Where`s Waldo" book today, but couldn`t find any. Well played Waldo, well played...
Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
When your girlfriend says do what ever you want. Do not do what ever you want!
I always tell myself there is no such thing as a stupid question, but everyday someone tries to change my mind
Anytime my boss leaves her office, I sneak in there and fart.
Will you go with me to my therapist tomorrow? He thinks I`m making you up.
If your wife asks you if you know where the broom is, it`s not a good idea to ask her if she is going somewhere.
They say you need about 2000 calories a day. Ok, time to do math. 65 calories in one fluid ounce of Jack Daniel`s means i need 30 shots tonight.
Christmas is just like a day at the office ... You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
If you don`t leave a buffet looking like someone told you bad news you didn`t get your money`s worth.
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
This strip mall certainly is misleading And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Vine, and medical records.
If you step on someone`s foot, they open their mouth just like trash cans.