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The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I like it like that
I love the people in parking lots with "free kittens" signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn`t be oppressed.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent`s face there is no known comeback.
You know what tastes better than one taco? Two tacos!
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
Hot singles in your area are dating each other while you sit alone staring at your phone.
The next person that tells me I have no shame…probably knows me pretty darn well.
at this point in life I break my life down into 2 time periods B.N and A.N....Before Netflix and After Netflix
I don’t necessarily believe in karma, but I’m gonna be extra careful crossing the street after this weekend.
I really don`t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she`s at least 18.
The only rule of the Chess Club is to hide from the Fight Club.
They say 1 minute of kissing burns 26 calories. No wonder sluts are so damn skinny.
Words of Wisdom: Don`t cover your mouth when you sneeze. You`ll get snot and stuff all over your hands