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Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a row boat ... and taking the tartar sauce with you.
Every time i see a person kneeling over tying their shoe, i run up behind them and hop over them to try and get a game of leapfrog going.
If they put beer in CapriSun pouches I could fit a lot more in my cooler. Just thought I`d throw that out there, people who invent sh!t.
So far today has been a pretty good day...I haven`t had to bite or hit anyone, yet!!
Did 4 push ups & 2 sit ups then ate 4 doughnuts & drank 2 beers. It`s called balance people!
I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.
Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
How old do I have to be when I can start pulling in front of cars without looking?
Q: What is the best thing God ever created? A: The vagina. Q: What was the worst thing God ever did? A: Put women in charge of them.
Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
I`d engage you in a battle of wits, but I`m afraid you`re unarmed.
If there`s a "Mr." in front of your cat`s name you`re going to die alone.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Hello... Modeling Agency? Ya, my selfie just got 34 likes I think I`m ready to go pro!
A roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please."