Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I know a lot of women who should substitute their lipstick with glue sticks.
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
Thought for the day: Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that is where sh!tty ideas come from!
Remember that one time the cops pulled you over, then let you go because they had a more interesting call. You are welcome.
Are the ATF and border patrols also shutdown? Asking for a Mexican friend....
Some people have a natural talent for stupid. Others take that talent and actually ENHANCE it!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
Coffee is just a hug for your insides.
If cleanliness is next to godliness, then my car is Satan`s chariot.
“Should I add more liquor?” is the most ridiculous question I’ve ever been asked.
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out I’m not fat. I’m a panda.
I`m not sure who`s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Every wanna answer every question with a middle finger? That`s kinda where I am today.