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A beautiful woman could post "My dog just died" and she would get replies like "Well, I`m not dead ;)"
Life is not a garden so quit being a hoe
How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
I really like it when women check me out, they seem to be able to work the register a lot better than men.
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
Please don’t take anything I say personal or too seriously. I’m just an idiot with internet access.
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
What are nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What are nuts on the chest? Chestnuts. What are nuts against a chin? Blow job.
why do people with bad teeth always have a smile on there face
Well, I`m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
I took the "Which 90`s Cartoon Are You?" quiz and got "You`re a fucking grown man. Stop it. Right now."
I`ve got worms !!!! ......... worms in me garden