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Why does this membership application to the YMCA not have "The Village People" as an option for "How did you hear about us?"
I forgot to pay my bill to the exorcist and so I got re-possesed.
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
I’m like a kid in a candy store. I can’t afford anything.
I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.
I`ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him the picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator: "Wtf Dude, you`re 23."
If you`re stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.
What kind of wine goes best with laundry?
You know it´s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with.. "Are you sitting down?"
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?
The closest I`ve come to camping was that one time when I fell asleep in the bushes outside your window with my camera.
I was going to change my profile pic to a pumpkin for Halloween, but it didn`t look that much different from my actual head.
Sometimes when my phones at 5% battery life I call back all the people I didn`t want to talk too.
Never take advice from people on the Internet. Not even this.
If someone doesn`t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don`t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.