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You wouldn`t believe all the cool stuff I find when I`m under my bed playing.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re a terrible person and had it coming.
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren’t there Starbucks pumpkin spice latte trucks in the winter?
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they`re in the middle of a race.
Mom: How are your grades this semester? Me:.... Mom:.... Me: Mother what`s important is that we have our health
Gyms are full of people that haven`t found the right couch.
Have you seen that new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it comes within 4in of it. DO NOT carry it in your back pocket!
Irons are like 1000 degrees, who`s bright idea was it to make an ironing board the flimsiest contraption ever made?
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
I`ve probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator
When in doubt, procrastinate.
The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.
I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.
Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn`t been used at the liquor store since Friday.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.