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“Wow! My political opinion just changed because of what you posted on Facebook” – said no one ever.
Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.
If you`re a vegan an atheist and a liberal, how do you choose which way to annoy people at Thanksgiving first?
There are a thousand better ways to spend your time and yet here you are with me.
I only drank twice last week....Once for three days and once for four days
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Eleventeen percent of the population makes up words.
If anyone is interested I`ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Happy Fourth of July!! Or as the rest of the world likes to call it, Friday.
Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
I don`t know about you, but I`ve thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a child.
A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, `What would Jesus do?`, so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.
Sex, drugs and candy crush all have one thing in common. It`s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
My Son: The marriage vows say "tell death do us part", so we are not married in heaven ? Me: That`s right son, cause if we were still married, we`d be in hell.
Thanks to the words “dude”, “bro”, and “man”, I haven’t said my best friends name in 10 years.