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When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”
Whenever I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.
Was disappointed when I watched the films Shaft, XXX, X-Men, In To Deep, Snatch, The Box, Free Willy. None of them were what I expected...
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?
Goodnight, good people - and nite nite to the naughty ones too!
I used to be in a band called "missing cat". You`ve probably seen our poster.
Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
What`s cardio, and can I eat it?
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
If I was famous I would just knock on peoples doors and be like ... Hello, yes it`s me.
YOU WANNA PIECE OF THIS!?!?! ~me, aggressively handing out cake
Strange new trend at work. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Jennifer.
hilarious
If you play my workday backwards, it`s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
When there is nothing to do ... That`s what I do