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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told. Twice now.
Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that`s why I surround myself with lazy people
"You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this" -Guy who invented shovels
Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
Checked a lot off my thought-about-doing-today list.
Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.
If at first you don`t succeed then you`re a loser...
Sometimes you can just tell it`s going to be a "Does not play well with others" kind of day.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
My new year`s resolution is to stop making new year`s resolutions.
You trust me holding your child? Do you know how many iPhone screens I’ve cracked?
I would be a great procrastinator ... if I could ever get around to it.
Every Facebook photo album could be titled either "Envy Me!" or "Pity Me!"
This strip mall certainly is misleading And I probably should put my clothes back on now.