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I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.
Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person`s life takes serious commitment.
I don`t believe in karma, but I do believe in punching people in the face.
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
Think big, Think smart, Think positive, Think beautiful, Think great,I know this is too much for u,so here is a shortcut-Just think about me
Women are angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we continue to fly…on a broomstick. We’re flexible that way.
Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make that sh!t perfect.
I hate when I`m about to hug somebody really sexy and my face hits the mirror!!
My therapist says I`m a clueless, un-observant trainwreck. Which is weird because up until this moment, I never even knew he was a therapist.
Babies are really cute until you meet one that`s not a picture.
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
Some people walk into your life and leave footprints on your heart. Some people walk into life and make you want to leave footprints on their face
If you like to spoon, you`ll love to spatula. That`s where I flip you over to make certain you`re done properly on both sides.