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My Christmas tree smells like pine, and is hanging from the shift lever in my car.
What is the difference between a trapeze artist and a supermodel?. The trapeze artist has a cunning stunt.
Nothing says “I hate you” like giving someone’s child a drum set.
"mommy watch this!" is the toddler equivalent of "hold my beer and watch this"
Imagine how fun Pringles would be if the cans were spring-loaded.
Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn`t even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.
I spend the first half of work fantasizing about all the different places I could go for lunch.
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
I never give money to bums because a.) They probably make more money than I do. b.) They work from home. c.) They get to drink on the job.
I have difficulty sleeping at night because I lay awake obsessing over life`s mysteries, like how exactly does paper beat rock.
When I see a hot girl walking by, I like to look at her and blink very fast and repeatedly so it looks like shes walking in slow motion. Everything is better in slow motion =)
I was standing in front of the mirror eariler, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
I like to think that people that unfriend me wake up months later regretting that irreversible and life altering decision.
ATMs should have built in breathalyzers. I would save so much money.
You`re the reason why I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to go to work.