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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding… that the other person is a complete idiot!
Holy crap! I just realized that I´m still it from a game of tag in 1987.
I`m now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.
Proposing to a woman isn’t like choosing a life-long business partner. It’s more like hiring your own boss.
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
What kind of jerk makes an anti-anxiety pill difficult to break in half?
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not as funny when you live by yourself.
I made a salad with red wine vinaigrette only I left out the vinegar and the oil and ok it`s just lettuce with wine all over it. Anyhoo, I`m drunk.
The only time I`ve ever early to anything is when I`m dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.
Spent $50 on E-bay to enlarge my happy place. The creep sent me a magnifying glass.
I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live.
All I`m saying is that Schwarzenegger isn`t the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984.
Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.
Apparently I misunderstood it when I was told to "expose yourself to other cultures."
Her: Do you want to run away with me? ME: We won`t actually be running, right?