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When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
Thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like "Please don`t stay long!" or "I hope you brought booze."
My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to simply ignore you.
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
I have an irrational fear of speedbumps… but, I’m slowly getting over it.
Republicans are red, Democrats are blue. The government is shut down cause neither one gives a damn about you.
I don`t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Guys, how many times have you said "it looks great honey" when you really are just laughing inside?
Anyone know where I can get a waterproof recliner for my shower?
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor`s house is genius.
Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet.
Just when you want to be a good person again , someone new to stalk shows up
Doing something weird and thinking “this is why I’m single”.
United Airlines was just voted number one in Chinese takeout!