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I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Nothing is more comical than seeing someone tiptoe with cheeks clenched hastily en route to a washroom to do #2.
I wish pillsbury would think of another way to open biscuits without giving you a heart attack ;)
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
You can always make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
is a mystery you´ll never solve
Forget resolutions, Imma just say from now on... TGIS "Thank God I Survived" ! :)
I`m getting sick of these porn sites listing my videos as "amateur".
I was raised on the streets is more manly than saying I grew up watching Sesame Street.
Sorry I said "at least it`s healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.
When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they’re just thinking for the first time.
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
There are two rules to success in life - 1. Don`t tell people everything you know
I really worried about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
This post was going to be really funny but I didn`t write it down because I was totally sure I`d remember it.