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If your dog takes a dump on your floor and you clean it up, who owns who??
The only time I want to hear about your baby is when you tell me it ain`t mine.
I`d like to give a special thanks to my feet for supporting me and to my arms for being by my side at all times.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why i fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again..
Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.
I have a tremendous sex drive ... My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!"
I wish I had money so I could be eccentric instead of just weird.
I don`t get nearly enough credit for managing not to be a violent psychopath
I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.
I would know if I was insane, the voices would tell me.
If you reach your hand into a woman`s purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you`re looking for.