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I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Lazy fact #128540162, You were too lazy to read that number.
Technically, Humpty Dumpty died a crack head
I wish "it`s the thought that counts" worked for housework.
I do marathons ... on Netflix.
If you rearrange the letters of "postmen" they get really pissed off.
Apparently there is no age limit on ignorance.
I shurvivfed the dentisht wivout any notishable shide affecshss.
Humans claim to be the superior species, but a penguin can use its own body as a toboggan so who`s the real winner?
This hangover feels like... I should take a shot.
Nothing like working out to make you feel like you deserve that burger and fries.
I`m no different than any other bachelor. I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.
Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don’t want her to meet her competition right away.
Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.
I`m great at balloon animals. You should see my eel, snake, and worm.