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Maybe I`m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance! ..By driving away and not leaving a note.
$5.99 Trojan condoms or $19.99 Huggies diapers. Choose wisely...
If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you`ll be dead soon.
I once had the desire to do something worthwhile with my life. Then I discovered naps.
Girl says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian??
Car next to me in the liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has seven kids! ... I better get in there quick! She`s gonna buy it all.
How to cuss a kid out... "Shut the fudge up you little astronaut! You son of a batch of cookies! What the helicopters are you doing?!"
I need to learn the rules to make sure I don`t accidently follow them
I just burned 1200 calories.I forgot the pizza in the oven.
I dropped my affordable health care because I couldn`t afford it .
Nothing makes me more productive than the last minute.
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
I don`t own a thesaurus, is `cock meat` a synonym for `fried chicken`?
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever.