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I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. “Alright, get in the basket”
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "AND, you live next door."
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you`re interrupting!
Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn`t cute.
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
If Tetris has taught me anything it`s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
How does anything ever get done at the bubble wrap factory?
Whoever decided to color underpants white was an idiot.
Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
I’m back on my feet again!! Wait, false alarm the remote is right here.
Cactuses are just heavily armed cucumbers.
Microsoft Excel has got to be the worlds worst video game.