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If you are being attacked by a bunch of clowns the first thing to do is go for the juggler.
Know why a room full of married people looks so empty? There’s not a Single person in it…
I fell asleep on the couch last night & woke up thinking I was married.
When girls have a great night out, they talk about it for months. When guys have a great night out, that night will never be spoken of.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky men that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped her.
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out...you have issues bro
When you put ‘aspiring’ in front of your chosen profession. What I hear is: I’m unemployed.
My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep
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Boobs are like model trains. They were originally for children but grown men always want to play with them.
Just witnessed kids playing tag. What is this world coming to? Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise?
Buy a "World`s Greatest Boss" mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.