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If you`re wondering about my cooking skills, I`ve been asked to bring paper towels to our family gathering.
Always have a goal... Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
I thought 70 was the new 50, but the cop still gave me a ticket.
If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
Somebody told me I need adult supervision. I was like "I Know!" It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.
My religious preference, is for you to steer clear of me with yours.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
shoutout to people who have money but still order off the dollar menu
25% of of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. The other 75% are running around untreated.
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
When women say “It’s not what’s on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside that counts”, we all know they are talking about a Man’s wallets.
I`d like to thank the bars for being there for me.
my doctor says I have the body of a 20 year old, the mind of a 30 year old and the wisdom of a someone twice my age, to which my husband asked " What did he say about your fat ass?" I said to my husband, "Oh , the doctor didn`t say anything about you dear!".
I love you Mario, but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of.
My family tree is a cactus, we`re all pricks.