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Girls think that having their period is the most inconvenient thing they can experience. They`ve obviously never dated a girl who was on her period.
I plan on getting "sidewalk nap" drunk tonight.
Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...
I have OCD and ADD, so everything must be perfect..but not for very long.
Just heard about the Obamacare deadline and I`m freaking out. I have so many questions. Who is Obama?
If I pat you on the back, there`s a 99% chance that I`m only using you as a napkin
You don’t realize how many people you hate until you have to name a baby or a dog...
Leaving your window open for an hour and the cast from f*cking Bugs Life decided to start producing their second movie.
I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?
I hope all your dreams come true, especially that one where you`re being chased by a giant spider.
Dear Stomach: You`re bored, not hungry. Shut up.
I`m sorry, we can`t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Is it yoga if you wear sweatpants all day and then hunch over the garbage can as you eat a burrito?