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Sometimes, I drink a glass of water, just to surprise my liver!
There’s both a McDonald’s and a blood pressure machine in this Walmart. Circle of life.
I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to Bounce of 3 walls, Knock over a lamp and kill a cat.
If you guys could read my mind! It would be all like; " "
If you`re not procrastinating just a little, you`re not doing Saturday right.
Today is National I Don`t Feel Like Doing Sh!t Day. Celebrate accordingly.
I`d share my Netflix login but I`m too embarrassed by "My List".
If money cant buy happiness,explain beer!
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don`t get married. If you are over 35, don`t get married. If you are 35, don`t get married.
I`d probably get a lot more done if it wasn`t for me.
I dream of a day when a mysterious hand will pop out of the screen and b!tch-slap you silly each time you post a boring or stupid status.
I dropped my affordable health care because I couldn`t afford it .
Christmas is truly a magical time. It`s made all my money disappear!