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I keep myself in just good enough shape to outrun most women and small children during emergencies.. :|
I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed. And I won’t rest until I find it.
My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
Stop Instagramming words. I`m not following you for your thoughts. Take off your f*cking shirt.
May have put up a few too many Christmas lights. A 747 just landed in the backyard.
That awkward moment when you take a bath in the middle of the day and don`t know whether to wear normal clothes or pajamas.
When a guy says "I`m Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.
The toughest decision I will make today is bottle or draft.
You know it`s getting bad when the voices in your head start texting you
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you? :D
am I the only one who would beat the sh!t out of someone for wearing a "forever lazy" to a tailgate?
I just spent a lot of time trying to form a thought when it would`ve been easier to just say, "F*ck it."
I`ve done it in the bathroom, I`ve done it in the bedroom, I`ve done it in the kitchen, on the couch, outside, in the bus, yoo I just can`t seem to stop this texting.:)