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The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
I`m just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again.
If by sexy you mean me licking the donut icing off my fingers then yes I can be damn sexy.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I’m not a picky eater or anything but I will look at both sides of a Dorito before I eat it to decide if its got a good cheesy dust ratio.
Knife > gun because if I pull a knife, you don`t know what I`m gonna do. Stab you? Open a letter? Or am I gonna frost a cake? It`s a mystery
You should see the sh!t I don`t post.
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time…
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!
Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they`ll erase what they did during the week.
Whoever said time heals all wounds never had their leg bitten off by a shark.
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.
The weather is so nice. I think I’ll go outside and watch other people run.