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My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat? Apparently banned from the petting zoo...
I am convinced that Kellogg`s works for our Government and all that Snap, Crackle, Pop is CODE.......
If I dont clean my house soon. They are gonna bring in blindfolded people to do a Febreze commercial
Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can`t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles ... Do your damn job.
Iām always in a rush to get home so I can do absolutely nothing.
OK. So I took the road less traveled. Now where the hell am I?
I get very competitive at "All You Can Eat Buffets."
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
If you can`t handle me at my worst I completely understand, because I can`t either.
I can`t figure out why everyone calls me a smart-ass. Is it because I`m smart and have a great ass?