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Yes I have a dirty mind ... And you`re on it!
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
I love it when I Google something I should know the answer to and find out 308 people are just as dumb as I am.
My business card is just a label I peeled off a beer bottle.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
Inviting a friend to play Candy Crush Saga is like hosting an intervention and providing the crack.
Look for my new diet book: "How To Work Out And Watch What You Eat And Still Gain Plenty Of Weight"
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
I fell asleep with infomercials playing on the TV.... I woke up with a strange desire to do P90X with a Shake Weight while in my Snuggie
I think I will stick to my old fashioned pepper shaker. This new pepper spray tastes terrible on my potatoes...
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do. Happy Fathers Day!
Instead of spending $2,000 on a purse, some of you ladies should use the money for therapy sessions.
No one will ever look at you the way I do ... But thats probably because no one will ever do it from the tree outside your window
My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.