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Silence is Golden, except when coming from children… Then you’d better go check to see what’s broken.
In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home,,, The more homeless I look.
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
There’s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
One time I asked some girl what she was thinking. By the time she finished her thought we had 2 children.
Do you think retailers in Colorado have seen an increase in the sales of Easy Bake ovens and Brownie mix?
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
Why Am I Sober? - A Horror Story
I`m off to bed. For those of you who wish to add a touch of authenticity to your fantasies, the sheets are pale blue...
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
i have noticed you notice me noticing you
It takes patience to listen.., it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?
No really I`m fine, I have drugs and alcohol to block out reality, but thanks anyway...