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I bet the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial doesn`t ever ride his motorcycle on Martin Luther King Blvd in any town.
A lot of you lose your sh!t and have some pretty epic, public meltdowns. I just wanted to say thanks.
I hear my ex is now into orgies, or at least that`s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on her behalf said.
To get laid is good. To get off is good. To get laid off is bad.
Don`t act like your not impressed.
I hate when I`m wearing my apple bottoms jeans and I can`t find boots with the fur.
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it`s not just women who won`t marry you.
If at first you don`t succeed ... run them over
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Someone told me once that to have more confidence during sex, put in a live concert album while doing it. That way, you will hear applause every 3-4 minutes but I did it wrong. Accidentally put in a live concert album and all I heard was laughter!
If you want people to know where you stand, wear the same socks for a week
How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.
You know you have anger-management issues when you use an entire can of fly spray at point blank range to kill the tinest of moths...
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling