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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of Alcohol
"i wasn`t that drunk"..Dude!you tied me to a chair and bitch-slapped me,yelling "where`s Harry Potter!!"
Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
With the right person, you can talk about absolutely nothing for hours & feel like you spoke about everything.
Must be my day for Mis-Advertizing --- I just ate a Bowl of Cheerios ----- and they DIDN`T make me Happy!!!! FML!!! :-P
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose vodka.
Whenever someone ends their status with "LOL" I know it`s a repost, cuz...who the hell laughs at their own statuses? LMAO!
I`ve just released my own fragrance...No one on the bus seems to like it though.
If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated...go figure.
Being the fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business.
When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.
I could totally handle twins, triplets even quadruplets. Hold it, you`re talking about BABIES?
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music
Remember when you were a kid and all you would use the computer for was paint and space pinball?