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Is there anyone called Phillip here? I found your screwdriver.
is on a Mission. The magic leprechaun told me to follow the pink racehorse to the rainbow where the orange elephant is holding my skittles hostage
I can`t face my checkbook so I check my Facebook.
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 7 am is sexy... Then yeah, I`m your guy.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning.
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
I may have just inadvertently accomplished something
This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that`s also the last time I`ll buy cheap toilet paper...
All I`m saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.
What is this `wrong hole` you people speak of?
This Halloween, the only Candy I`m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
"This isn`t my first rodeo" -Guy at his second rodeo
I have hit the age where sex and choosing the exact right size Tupperware for leftovers are equally satisfying...
LOSE WEIGHT FAST! Mix equal parts warm water, apple cider vinegar, & lemon juice toss that disgusting sh!t into a sink & get on a treadmill.