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Beer is good, but beers are better.
You make me have filthy thoughts, and for that I thank you...
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
I realized my superpower.. I can walk into ANY bathroom.. And the toilet paper roll will be empty..
Just hung a picture. I nailed it.
Just did a weeks worth of cardio after walking into a spider`s web.
I can take care of my drunk friends, so the responsibility of having children doesn`t worry me.
I don`t normally poop with the door open, but I don`t want to miss the in flight movie
"Never go to bed angry" is the worst advice ever. I haven`t slept in a week!
Do the people inside mascot costumes also smile when they have their photos taken?
B!tch, please! You`re so fake, even barbie is jealous of you
If you’ve been naughty… go to your room. If you want to be naughty… go to mine.
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.
Ice skating is just walking in cursive.
The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I’m sure the people of NSA are dancing like little school girls right now.