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If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.
Saw a midget go into a store while wearing a KKK outfit and thought... That`s a little racist.
WARNING:: going to bed on Sunday will cause Monday.
Whoever is in charge of making sure I don´t do dumb stuff is fired.
99% of people in this world are stupid. Luckily I`m part of the other 5%.
It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destoroy the illusion that I am a nice person.
You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
Remember, Christmas is over if you sit on a strangers lap now and ask for stuff it`s because you`re a whore.
Yes Officer, I carry a knife, but that`s just in case I find a cake.
11th Commandment: Thou shall not gossip about other people’s lives when you are not doing any better yourself.
Lets not kid ourselves, if the zombie apocalypse broke out, there are a couple people we would swear were zombies so we could shoot them
you know you`ve been facebooking too much when you accidentally say "LOL", in person...
A wasp just landed on my balls. Hardest decision of my life.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.