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A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don`t like almonds, I like salt.
Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can`t believe kids this age are already so polite.
When a girl tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always "I don`t believe you."
Men are like cheap dishes - easily broken & completely replaceable!
I wouldn`t want lesbian parents. Not because I`m homophobic. I just don`t want to get stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother."
If I learned anything from my children, it`s that it is always OK to do something stupid, as long as someone DARED you to do it.
If you don’t count any of my failures, I’m quite successful.
If you think my status updates are ridiculous you should see my life choices
Here`s hoping the wind at your back doesn`t come from the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch. Happy St. Patrick`s Day!
Cats don`t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can`t put them in the washing machine.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.
I`m known all over the world for my exaggerations.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.