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As a man, EVERY month is `Breast Awareness Month` for me.
Never confuse the words "venom" and "poison". Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.
If you don`t leave a buffet looking like someone told you bad news you didn`t get your money`s worth.
This company doesn`t know how much of an asset I am.. Or an ass-sit. They really should pay more attention.
I went to the doctor for a check up and he says I`m going to live. But I think he`s wrong and it`s just a matter of time.
Some people are like eye-candy... I`m more like eye-meatloaf.
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
With names like "Batman" and "Robin", you`d think they could fly...
I woke up praying McDonald`s would still be serving breakfast but I just missed it by 6 hours.
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
Having a 14 year old has made me realize why some species eat their young.
Is it yoga if you wear sweatpants all day and then hunch over the garbage can as you eat a burrito?
If he only wants you for your breasts, legs, and thighs; Send him to KFC by SIMO
is not rude...I just wasn`t taught to politely pretend to be nice to people I can`t stand.
Volleyball = A more intense version of don`t let the balloon hit the floor.