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If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it`s working.
I need to unbutton my pants just thinking about how much I’m going to eat this week.
"I`m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money." -my brain
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing.
If you want to ruin a song forever use it for your alarm.
When the sign says: DO NOT TOUCH I read: Touch when nobody is looking.
2015 and still no thieves interested in my identity.
Make your girlfriend scream your name, leave the toilet seat up.
It`s kind of weird that beams of electricity strike down from the sky and we`re all just okay with it.
If anyone is interested I`ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Love is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
A real friend is someone who knows how damn crazy you are... But is still willing to be seen out in public with you.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked ... So did all the other people at the post office.
Half a dozen: because “six” is way to long.