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Love is like Wi-Fi, you can`t see it, but you know when you`ve lost it.
I don’t really forgive people I just pretend like it`s okay and wait for my opportunity to destroy them.
My inner self is in Photoshop
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
When I was your age, we drank water straight out of the sink.
The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it`s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
No way I’m the only one who crosses their fingers, closes their eyes & holds their breath when checking their account balance.
It should be socially acceptable to end any boring conversation by shouting "UNSUBSCRIBE!"
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore.
Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
People ask me why I don`t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?
once you delete your birthday from Facebook, you realize no-one ever gave a sh!t about you all along!
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.