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I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
To error is human, to forgive is divine, to keep your damn mouth shut is much appreciated.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets?
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! – no one ever
Unfortunately, showing that much cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
Just found out that I’m 53 Cheetos tall.
When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
keeps getting dirty voicemails from unknown numbers. If it`s you.. Send more
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
Think of me as an idea. A really, really bad idea.
I don`t care how much you like the soap. Never leave a public restroom smelling your fingers.
U make me wish I had more middle fingers
They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
Finding a needle in a haystack is quite easy if you just set the hay on fire.