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They should turn off Netflix at 1:00am for people with jobs and no willpower....bastards
You know your ugly when the dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg
There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name...
Relationships would be easier if people came with a “Clear History” button.
Wouldn`t it be ironical to die in a living room?
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
I think eating is my kind of sport.
Ok everybody. Please look in your bedroom closet. I got my stalking notes mixed up and don`t know where I am.
When nobody`s home, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house.
After joining Facebook, my TV became radio.
I`m at my neighbor`s house having the most delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home!
If anybody steals my identity, at least I’ll know who to look for.
I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat.
I was going to give you a nasty look but I see you already have one!