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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
What number SPF blocks people?
Why put off `til tomorrow what you can premeditate today.
Relationship status: Runs alone at night in hopes of being abducted.
Sex, drugs, and candy crush all have one thing in common. It’s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
I was told there would be kool-aid.
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
Today is that day where anything you read online could be totally made up. Oh, wait, that`s every day.
The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
Take time to reflect upon your day. Think of all the blessings you received, and everything you may be called to testify about :)))
If pigs could fly, nobody would be eating chicken wings.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
Things that don`t kill bees: 1. Furniture polish 2. Febreeze 3. Butter 4. Screaming
I`ve got a lot to unlearn.
The sad part about seeing any shopper at Walmart with a blue tooth, is that normally it is that shopper`s only tooth.