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I don`t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
I`m not impatient. You`re just slow.
Don`t worry. Your secret is safe with me. I wasn`t listening anyway.
Why is it that the more annoying the tune, the harder it is to get it out of your head?
When I was kid, I... No wait, I still do that.
Yes, bitches be trippin’ but maybe I pushed one.
Orange Hi-C counts as a serving of fruit, right?
It`s not working. I`ve napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.
My New Year`s Resolution is to stop making late decisions.
Walmart is one store where it is truly acceptable to shop in your pajamas.
Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.
It`s not condescending if they`re stupid.
Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys. You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.
I don’t appreciate the 5 minute radio ads about how commercial-free the station is.
Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger ... at least one of them anyway.