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I`m not sure where you learned to whisper but I`m guessing inside a helicopter surrounded by f*cking chainsaws.
4 out of 5 dentists agree that 1 out of 5 dentists is just doing it for the attention.
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
From what I can gather, men hit their sexual peak around age 18. And women hit theirs as soon as the divorce is final.
Never send in a beer to do the work of a tequila shot.
Hey dumb a$$. Not everything I post pertains to you. Just the stuff that starts with Hey dumb a$$.
Taught a man how to buy fish ... So much easier.
I finally finished my 4,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. It reads- " Get a life you sad F**k "
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but I like women.
mermaids swim by twerking do you ever just think about that
Dude, I see you are enjoying a cold Bud Light Lime-a-Rita .... I`m going to assume that`s your smart car parked outside.
Somewhere in the world right now, somebody is buying a house based on its potential for great bathroom selfies.
Apparently the ``All you can eat buffet`` isn`t a challenge ...
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?