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I just found out that checking your credit score actually LOWERS your credit rating. Seriously? That`s like every time you look in the mirror, you get a little bit uglier.
I got called pretty today! Well actually the full statement was "you`re pretty annoying!" But I only focus on positive things
Easy baked macaroni and cheese recipe: Boil macaroni in water.... follow the rest of the instructions on box. TADA!
I would like to remind everyone it`s not the size of the boat... Or the motion of the ocean, but the whether the boat is able to stay in port until all passangers have gotten off.
I`m all for the "going green" thing, but I just can`t bring myself to buy toilet paper that says, "100% Recycled."
I am not the same person at 8am and 8pm.
This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
I was all depressed last night, so I called "Lifeline". Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.
I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how in love you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
I`ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
in wine there is wisdom. in beer there is freedom. in water there is... umm bacteria