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I don`t get offered drugs nearly as often as D.A.R.E. said I would.
I don`t believe women belong in the kitchen... because men are better at that too
Doctors and scientists agree on the benefits of an afternoon nap, yet still my boss thinks he knows better. Ridiculous.
Never judge a book by it`s movie.
Todays hot tip: Boomerangs and Attention Deficit Disorder don`t mix.
If Coca-Cola REALLY cared about the obesity problem they`d put cocaine back in their recipe.
I don`t believe in karma, but I do believe in punching people in the face.
I`m feeling about as useful as a stoplight in Grand Theft Auto.
I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
Im so lazy today, I am going to watch fast and furious in slow motion.
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section.
Life is about perspective like the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ships kitchen
If you can`t tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you`re a f***ing idiot.
It`s always best to fart when there`s a baby on the bus. They always get the blame.