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Anyone who believes that children are our future has not been to a mall recently.
Bought some cheese at one of those fancy cheese shops today. It was legend dairy...
The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.
If you are willing to date an ex, it means that you`re backwards compatible.
Someone asked me today if ive ever been with two women at the same time. But why would I want to disappoint two women at the same time?
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
What if I am sexy and I don`t know it?
Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
*puts selfie on top of christmas tree because I am the star*
The judge says I`m a repeat offender, but he always says that.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I`m not expecting them to be practical
I am convinced God only created six days and the devil added Monday.
Car alarms should sound like two chicks in a fight. I`d look out the window for that.
I got kicked out of a Yoga class today. Apparently, your not supposed to do the `Downward Dog` on top of another person.
I`m the type of person that will burst out laughing in dead silence over something that happened days ago.