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If you are being attacked by a bunch of clowns the first thing to do is go for the juggler.
There’s a very short list of things you can have in your hand while running without looking crazy.
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent ? That’s why I never take baths...
It doesn’t matter what it is. It is automatically cool if it glows in the dark.
Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today, or flash them your boobs...... Strangers love boobs!
Before Google, I averaged 220 Snapple bottles before I found the answer.
I’m the king of balancing more trash on top of an already full trash can.
Don’t let anyone tell you how to live your life! Unless you’re an idiot. In that case, please listen carefully.
I just ate a Cheeto that melted perfectly in my mouth! It was Awesome! ....Until I realised that was the highlight of my day.
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
Fun Fact: Valentine`s Day was created by a woman than didn`t get what she wanted for Christmas.
Whenever I drive past the psychic’s empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.
You know you`re getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.