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I may not look good naked, but I`m a beautiful person on the insi.... Hahahaha just kidding I look great naked
No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.
Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I`m gonna get the government involved so you can`t leave.
I really love it when a hot girl winks at me with both eyes.
I know you`re the instructor but I`ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
Are you always this stupid? or are you just making special effort today...
I`m a multi-tasking procrastinator. I can put off a bunch of sh!t all at the same time.
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.
No one`s going to do it for you. It`s up to you, to make naps a priority in your life.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don`t know the man & he doesn`t know you`re eating his popcorn
She’s thinking about having beer pong at her reception… that’s walking a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I don’t care what women say, size matters in bed. The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.
She texted me: "Your adorable.". I replied: "No, you`re adorable." Now she thinks I like her. All I did was point out her typo!
I test drove a car last month. Apparently, you`re not supposed to keep the car for a month. At least that what this cop is telling me.