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By the power vested in me and by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
I`m a wealth of knowledge ... Unless you want it to be true, then I`m pretty solid on about 6 topics ... 2 of those might just be Doritos flavors
It`s 2014, people. Isn`t it about time we put an end to all this `wake up in the morning and go to work` nonsense?
Like my therapist always says, "I`m not your therapist, you`re just laying on a couch in Ikea"
I would like to congratulate my ex`s new boyfriend on giving up blow jobs.
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
I’m amazing in bed. I have the ability to stay there all day.
Anyone want to be fake engaged for two hours so we can eat cake samples?
Thinking about waking up early for a run. Mostly thinking about how I will not be doing that.
My mom likes playing this game called `yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can`t hear her`.
I told everybody at work that I`ve got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.
I just kicked a can in my driveway and somehow ended up with a goal against Brazil.
Breast awareness month: we stare because we care
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like....`I`ve got nothing man.`