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I don’t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it.
Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
Partying on my level requires years of training.
I bet the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial doesn`t ever ride his motorcycle on Martin Luther King Blvd in any town.
Some things get in the way of my happiness, so I ignore them.
Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.
Let’s all take a moment and be thankful spiders can’t fly.
I`m glad I`m me, I don`t think anybody else could take it.
I used to date this girl that worked at Hasbro, but I finally got sick of all her games.
I`m getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
When you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”
I`m not saying my wife`s voice is annoying, but right now I`m really jealous of deaf people.
Your screenshots of text message conversations tell me: 1. you have a great sense of humor 2. to never trust you
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"