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“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
I just peed so hard that I laughed a little.
Does anyone have the recipe for ice cubes? Asking for a friend.
If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.
Having a favorite homeless person is weird, right?
Hello is this HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.
Life is so unfair, why do we always want what we don`t have? For example, right now I want tacos
I`ve started an elimination diet, It`s where I eliminate anyone from my life who talks about their diet.
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
It`s hard to take life serious once you realize people jamming their genitals in each others mouths is considered a sign of affection.
Everyday I run into someone who pushes me past the limits of my medication.
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
How I talk: 25% swearing, 25% sarcasm 50% a combination of both.
If you emphasize the ‘po’ in police they’re probably already after you.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don`t even remember what he did anymore.