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Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Im pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
I got in an elevator with a lady with big breasts. She said could you press one for me please. I did and that was the last thing I remember
I wonder who the first person was to look at a beehive and think, "those bastards are hiding something delicious in there, I know it!"
I`d like to be poor for a day, because being poor everyday gets to be real annoying after awhile.
I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat.
There’s nothing worse than getting $0.99 back in change.
I`m not sure how to say this but ... Worcestershire sauce
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
I need a job that pays at least 10,000 dollars an hour.
Ever wondered why there’s no window in the airplane’s toilet? Because, really, who’s going to see in?
My wife and I are pretty upset. It looks like someone broke in and surfed porn on my computer. They didn`t touch anything else, so that`s good.
I have a confession to make... "I want to get back with my ex"...LOL Just Kidding..."I`d rather shit in my hands and clap !"
Several years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.
Whoever said paper beats rock is an idiot. Next time that happens, I`m gonna throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.