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My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
I love the people in parking lots with "free kittens" signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn`t be oppressed.
good boys go to heaven bad boys go every where
I wish I had Shazam for faces...
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps "Latest Speculative News" or "We Really Don`t Know Shit" would work. CNN call me.
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my foot while laying on the sofa so I guess today is leg day.
If you say "cash money" around me, Don`t act surprised when I kick you in the "balls nuts" See how stupid that sounds?
I`d like to read an obituary that says "He laid down the boogie and played that funky music till he died."
Exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors. - Jehovah`s Fitness.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says “haha good one” and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
Whether a Vacuum is on or off, it`s always collecting dust.