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thinks that decaffeinated coffee is just useless brown water.
My kids are the reason I wake up every morning. Really freaking early. Every...Single...Morning...
So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I`m on Facebook, I don`t have money or a life.
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
Go home Polar Vortex....yer drunk.
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched....well, at least that`s what the restraining order says.
I miss my ex a lot... but my aim is getting better.
I`ve had this ant farm for a year now and these lazy bastards still haven`t grown any crops.
The best thing about the internet is knowledge. You have all this knowledge at your fingertips! And we get to share what we learn with others! Oh...wait a second. I forgot about porn. OK I take it back. PORN is the best thing about the internet!
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
If Guys Wrote Valentine’s Cards: “I don’t even need beer to think you’re attractive.”
Every so often you come across a person who always smiles no matter what, that person is the reason why random bitch slaps should be a thing
Spoiler Alert: Ladies, if your guy friend gets you a teddy bear, it has a Camera in it.
I keep my land line so I can find my cell phone.