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My resolution last year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Can`t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can’t these days. My phone battery just doesn’t have the stamina any more.
Sometimes I get road rage standing in lines.
Thank goodness I`m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can`t blame it on the alcohol.
Ah man... i don`t have any notifications... better go check another computer
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication!
I could never cheat in a relationship, That requires 2 women to find me attractive.
Sex, drugs, and candy crush all have one thing in common. It’s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
90% of the apps on my phone don’t do anything except send me notices that there’s a new version of itself.
I hate lying to kids but my daughter asked me what twerking was and I told her it was when identical twins go to each others` jobs
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
Ladies first. Because it might be dangerous.
This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything.
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on?