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I`m sorry I slapped you. It`s just you seemed like you weren`t going to stop talking and I panicked.
So apparently the numbers on the toaster are minutes? I`ve thought for years it was degree of toasty-ness.
Told my kids next time I take their electronics away I`d also be responding to all texts they receive. They`ve been well behaved since.
keeps getting dirty voicemails from unknown numbers. If it`s you.. Send more
Football Logic: Your team won: Celebrate with beers! Your team lost: Better drown my sorrows in some beer.
If you don`t give a f*ck then why you telling everybody?
Anyone that says I`m a lover not a fighter has clearly never been in a relationship over 6 months
If every porkshop was perfect, we wouldn`t have hot dogs.
Not quite feeling myself today. I`m going to see if booze helps...
I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster.
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.
Autocorrect changed "you`re so wise" to "you`re so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!
All women have an hour glass figure – it’s just that they all tote around different amounts of sand.