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The only thing I`m really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I`ll probably never be able to retire.
My neck, My back, My Netflix and my snacks...
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
There`s never been a lazier group of people than the ones that settled on naming a candy bar "Whatchamacallit."
People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.
I screamed a Brazilian times during that waxing.
This haunted house sucks. It`s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, I`m at work, sorry.
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck. But through hard work and perseverance, I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
My new year`s resolution is to stop making new year`s resolutions.
According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low…Well, sure, it’s hard to steal a car when the owner’s living in it…
Life is like a p@nis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard
Can anyone tell me how to become a illegal immigrant, their benefits are undeniably more superior to our own.
The ultimate home security system is just having crappy stuff.
I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.