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This bulk box of peanuts I got from Costco tastes like styrofoam.
Does it count as saving someone`s life if you just refrain from killing them?
Ya, Wednesday sucks but… it could be Monday!
You know what tastes better than one taco? Two tacos!
Pet stores should post "Chameleon" on empty reptile cages just to see how long people would stand and look.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog`s poop.
went to the book store earlier to buy a Where´s Waldo book. When I got there, I couldn´t find the book anywhere. Well played Waldo, well played.
I`m emotionally constipated. I haven`t given a crap in days...
It`s not that people use only 10% of their brains, it`s that only 10% of people use their brains.
The NFL has hired their first female referee ... She will be throwing flags for penalties the teams committed 5 years ago.
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".
Not clicking like on this status makes your a$$ look fat.
I`d get lost less frequently if GPS would say "no, your other left."
"LSD causes users to lose weight" Obviously. You can`t eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.
ooooh boy, Mother`s Day hangovers...always the worst huh?!