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You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
you know....I wasn`t planning on going for a run today....but those cops came out of nowhere
Someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Exaggerations went up a million percent last year.
The perfect time for a snack is while you’re waiting for another snack to finish cooking.
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
Pretending to be nice is exhausting...
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones? I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
For just 3 cents a day, all of my followers can help me quit my job...
No one your age has any idea what they`re doing either. No matter what age you are.
I still like going into Burger King and ordering a McWhopper and a McFry.
I want to sleep tighter
My problem has always been a Constipated Brain and my mouth has the Runs.......
"in other news… it turns out being mayor of Toronto is all that its cracked up to be" - George T. Ignace