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I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
Million dollar idea: Alarm clock that releases spiders... NOW you`re up.
Rappers seem to have an unhealthy interest in female dogs, don`t they?
Halloween is the perfect time to redistribute those undesired condiment packets of ketchup, mustard, BBQ & soy sauce.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I can´t wait for summer. One of my highlights of summer is talking into the fan to hear my robot voice.
People be like… I will love you unconditionally on one condition.
Hey mother in law.... Don`t tell me how to raise my kids. Im still trying to raise yours.
To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing!
At the end of each day, life should ask us, `Do you want to save the changes?`
I lost 3 pounds over the weekend, but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
School was so much easier when 2 plus 2 equaled 4 instead of "X." Whoever decided to involve the alphabet in math deserves a solid punch to the face.
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane & a "where in the hell am I?" lane.
Losing weight is not working for me, so I`m concentrating on getting taller.