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I thought the movie `fast & furious` was about my sex life. I`m fast, my wife is furious.
My Doctor says I`m a serious alcoholic, but I think I`m more of a funny alcoholic.
I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime.
Of course women dont fart. They never shut up long enough to build up pressure
The older I get the more I understand Squidward`s anger.
I want a firsthand test of the "mo money, mo problems" hypothesis.
"That was supposed to be a compliment." -Men
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come into work.
I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.
I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.
"If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun" ~ My son apparently
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s
This year’s box-office revenue is down 20 percent from last summer. I’m not sure why that is, but I`ll bet you there’s a documentary on Netflix about it.
Apparently I misunderstood it when I was told to "expose yourself to other cultures."
The problem with drinking with people from work is they`re the ones I bitch about when I`m drunk.