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A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Change is always hard.... Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Boobs, because you can`t motorboat a personality.
It`s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you`ve reached your destination.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today.
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
Just because I don’t like you doesn’t mean I don’t want you to like me.- Most Girls
"If your reading this, I think your awesome!"
"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
At the end of each day, life should ask us, `Do you want to save the changes?`
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn`t in a band.
If there`s one thing I learned from my wife, it`s don`t get married!
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"
I´m thankful for Facebook. Before, I would just scream out my thoughts to anyone who would listen.