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No children were harmed in making this status. Ignored perhaps, but certainly not harmed…
Raise the bar..? Like go and drink upstairs..?
Sex, drugs, and candy crush all have one thing in common. It’s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me more than a week to realize that I`m not at work anymore....
The only part I like about doing laundry is saying I`ve got a big load
I once had the desire to do something worthwhile with my life. Then I discovered naps.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
Family vacations: When you pay a lot of money to yell at your kids in exotic destinations, preferably on a balcony with an ocean view.
Don`t you just want to write on some people`s Facebook wall "you peaked in High School".?
That weirdo that comes into bars and tries to sell roses would make a lot more money if he sold tacos.
If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you. Knees to Chest, bitch, KNEES TO CHEST!!
I think I`m going to run for political office, so people can dig up dirt on me. I have been wanting to piece together my twenties.
I was just told that I over-analyze things. I need a couple of days to think about that before deciding if I should be offended.