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I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I`m driving
You know you`re getting old when you`re looking forward to some time off so you can have like three doctors appointments.
I worry about the future because I know my friends that are teachers.
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
I`m convinced some people got married just so they could gripe about being married...
I just sprayed Citrus Fabreeze in my bathroom... Now it smells like Sh*trus
I plucked my first gray hair today ... Man, that lady was upset.
“People will believe anything if you whisper it.”
I was only 6 numbers away from winning the powerball.
Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?
I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.
Save water, shower together.
I have nothing to update. I`m just making it look like I`m doing something at a party so people won`t talk to me.
You`re right, you didn`t ask that guy for a d!ck pic, but nobody asked for hundreds of pictures of your face either.
Is it just me, or did anyone else wake up on the SEXY side of the bed this morning?