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Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it`s just a cake?
A touching letter by a little girl to Santa on Christmas: Dear Santa, Please give clothes to all those poor ladies in daddy`s laptop
I was planning on doing something today, but I haven`t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
When everything is coming your way ... You`re in the wrong lane.
I just found out that all the people who say "You haven`t changed a bit" have been lying to me. :)
I need to borrow someones kid for Halloween. I miss free candy.
There is always light at the end of the tunnel. It might be a train or a truck so dont let it hit you.
Overheard at grocery: Paper or plastic, sir? Doesn’t matter. Im bisacksual.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazines for the articles?
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
“Have you tried just eating a ton of pizza?”- me as a therapist
You know a woman really loves you when she vandalizes your car after an argument.
It`s like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"