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Tattoos are like potato chips. You can`t have just one.
Sometimes, you can just tell it`s gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
I like to drink while I clean and that`s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Can`t wait `til I`m old enough to pretend I can`t hear.
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
I got in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich.
“Let’s hang out sometime.” - liars
You never know how dirty a song`s lyrics are until you hear a child sing them.
Jogging backwards because I`m trying to gain a little weight
You`ll notice you never see sweatpants with "Classy" written across the butt.
Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it`s time and getting to know each one of us personally.
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don`t try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.
If Wendy`s think their square burgers are so awesome, why don`t they use square buns?
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.