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If I like you, I’ll let you hold the TV remote when we watch TV. If I love you, I won’t take the batteries out of it beforehand.
It`s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? ;)
I`m not above slashing my own tires to avoid going to this family brunch.
I do marathons ... on Netflix.
The problem with plants is that you have to water them… like more than once apparently.
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
I eat a whole pizza before I go to the gym, because a good workout begins with low self-esteem.
Sometimes, I send game request just to piss people off :)
Don`t just be one of those people who stares at their phone or computer twelve hours a day. It`s important to also watch some TV.
I`ll be there in a second I just gotta finish writing this letter of apology to a club owner for tearing up his dance floor last night..
I have to be funny because being hot is not an option.
I wish people`s voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.
If I’m going to sweep all of my problems under the rug, then I’m going to need a bigger rug.