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I think it`s safe to say that my 2 year old is definitely more excited to see the fire truck next door than my neighbor.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Every day is a struggle between wanting to lose weight and wanting to eat my weight in pizza.
I don’t want to go to work. There are people there.
"Cannot connect to network. Reset your wireless router." "Umm, okay, but what if my router is in my neighbour`s house? Should I call him?"
Sometimes, talking to a woman requires a translator.
There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.
I`d rather run a marathon than listen to someone talk about running a marathon.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was ugly, I`d be broke as hell because I`m a sexy beast!!
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
My New Year`s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.
Dear whoever ate my fries while i was in the ball pit at McDonald`s... grow up!!
My husband told me he needed more space ... So I locked him outside.