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Before the internet I used to like people.
I hope Mexico doesn`t raise the cost of Tequila to pay for this wall.
When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
Alcoholic? No. Self-appointed booze quality control technician? Yes.
Don`t hate me because I think I`m beautiful.
If you ever question yourself, your life choices, your sanity...just watch an episode of Hoarders and you`ll be all good.
Lightning bugs use their blinkers more than most drivers.
Roses are red, this much is true, Violets are purple, not f*cking blue
Guys...dont mess up and buy her the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner for Valentines Day this year. Spend a little extra for a really good one ... Just tring to help.
Life is funnier when you have a dirty mind. ;)
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born... Life is crazy...
I dont need to control my anger everyone around me needs to control their habit of pissing me off!
Advertising taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.
I don`t make enough money to go on vacation so I`m just going to get drunk this weekend until I don`t know where I am.
The point of no return sounds like a fun vacation spot.