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It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
My wife even says "NO" in her sleep. The force is strong with this one.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there`s a cop hiding in the bushes
I know this will probably piss off a bunch of people I know, but what makes someone good at fishing?!? Seriously, all you did was wait longer.
If your phone doesn´t ring it´s me.
I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?
Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them.
I haven`t crunched all the numbers, but early calculations show that a large percentage of people don`t care what you think.
I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.
Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it reminds me of some of the drunken nights we use to have.
If it`s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?
I`m so lonely that my cat owns a cat.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!...Use your teeth!