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Don’t underestimate my ability to do absolutely nothing.
I`ve disappointed a lot of people in my life, you`re not special.
Was building a website for women drivers ... Bloody thing kept crashing.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Dating would be a lot easier if the opposite sex had a tail. That way, I could see if it was wagging or not after I did or said something.
Parts of a worm: 1) Worm
doesn`t mind that people start spreading rumors about me.. it’s when they spread the truth that I’m screwed ;)
I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea...
They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?
Today my role will be played by an overworked, under caffeinated, sarcastic, unstable, asshole. Consider this my disclaimer for the day.
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts “Batman” when he’s drunk. I know I do.
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
Everybody reaches a point in their lives when they die.
When I think of all the money I`ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!