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ALCOHOL! Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.
It’s like these fools at the gym have never seen someone with roller skates on the treadmill before.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there`s a cop hiding in the bushes
Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I`m tipping my ATM more than my bartender.
Sometimes, I like to stalk random strangers vacation pic`s, and tag myself as one of the people in the background just for laughs.
You know what`s really great about being a narcissist? Me.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
I liked you a lot more before I met you.
Any amusement you may have experienced from my past posts are in no way a guarantee of future performance.... Please initial here and sign here.
FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.
Turns out, I`m not an afternoon person either...
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time :(
There is a special place in Hell for people who stop at yellow lights.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you`ll be really far away from me with your motivational nonsense.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.