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I don`t mind helping people as long as I`m not slightly inconvenienced.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, and that’s how science works.
OK. So I danced like no one was watching. Anyone know a good lawyer?
More tattoo artists really just need to say "No, I`m not doing that."
The iPhone 5S: Because the NSA wants your thumbprint now too.
The closest I`ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
I love Christmas presents wrapped in bubble wrap... it`s like two gifts in one!!
If you want to pick up girls ....Keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
My beard itches, Web MD: Beard cancer
I hope this coffee gives me the energy to look busy all day.
I ate the whole box of Slim Fast bars. So excited about how skinny I`ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.
When in doubt, read Facebook Statuses, you`ll see you`re not the only crazy one around