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I just ran 3.5 miles in 30 minutes! Ha! Just kidding, I ate some ice cream.
Never confuse the words "venom" and "poison". Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.
Now that I`m on Facebook, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Why would anybody put 99 bottles of beer up on a wall in the first place?
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right.
Would stiff nipples be a good name for my air conditioning company?
It’s getting harder and harder to find vodka-flavored vodka.
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
"My name will live forever!" - Anonymous.
Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I`ve been using them for all this time?
To a musician, a g-string means something completely different than it does to me. .
We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
I need chapstick on my lips ... anyone want to share ?
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.
It’s sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his crappy ACME gadgets, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.