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I`m amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I`m still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!
Are the ATF and border patrols also shutdown? Asking for a Mexican friend....
I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I thought I`d try yoga to make myself more flexible, but I`m still incredibly stubborn.
It`s amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I`m in the shower or when I`m driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.
Today, I did it hard, I did it loud, it was wet, and I did it four times in a row. I wish I wasn’t talking about sneezing.
The skinny girl inside me once tried to come out. I shut that b*tch up with a cupcake
What I lack in sex appeal I make up in staying home and drinking.
It`s hard to trust people. Even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
It`s as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.
They say you are what you eat. I don`t remember eating a sexy beast this morning...
The best part of an argument is the make up sex...unless you`re fighting with your brother.
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.