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Iām not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
honestly I`ve never seen a tombstone that read "died from not forwarding a text to 10 people"
I have off-road rage, too
I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!
Diet plan: make friends fatter
For the record when I was a kid I never wanted to be an adult.
People pay to sponsor animals in the wild and get pic updates on it. Well if anyone would like to sponsor me I will send you a selfie a day.
I just threw a piece of food on the floor of my cubicle. Totally forgot my dog doesn`t work here.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
I need a job that pays at least 10,000 dollars an hour.
I paid My 11 year old $10 to do the dishes, then on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.
maturity comes when you stop publishing every detail of your life on social media
I`ve been around the block a few times.....but only because I was too drunk to find my house.