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I bet Captain Crunch has some amazing abs.
People with multiple personalities should donate one of them to people who don’t have one.
Sunglasses allow you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like facebook in real life.
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butts.
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
This patience thing takes forever.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she`s going to get me something.
That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
College is the only time in which being poor and drunk is acceptable.
She texted me: "Your adorable.". I replied: "No, you`re adorable." Now she thinks I like her. All I did was point out her typo!
For an "adult" bookstore, this place has a LOT of picture books
Can I just drop it like it’s luke warm? It’s been a long day and I’m tired.
"You`re going to love my friend. He`s hilarious." is still the best way to know you`re about to meet an annoying person.