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Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other, it`s given me another reason to stare.
Two days is not enough time for a weekend.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there`s a cop hiding in the bushes
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
You tell me I`m crazy, the voices tell me I`m not. 4 against 1, so........
I’m not going bald. I’m getting more head.
McDonald’s Management Rule #23: “The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times.”
I was going to do some spring cleaning, but the snow has ruined it for me.
Congratulations! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air: Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
Is it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message like looking directly into the sun?
I want rich people problems. Like where to land my private jet.
The wife almost caught me browsing on Facebook, but I quickly clicked over to a porn site. That was close.
So I turned my phone onto " airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst transformer ever!
Dude, I see you are enjoying a cold Bud Light Lime-a-Rita .... I`m going to assume that`s your smart car parked outside.
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.