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Nothing makes me turn off my car and start leisurely Facebooking than someone honking at me to pull out of a parking space.
The only "B" word you should call a woman is "beautiful"... B!tches love being called beautiful.
Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the hell.
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
Do you want to know Victoria`s Secret? Their lingerie doesn`t look the same on your girlfriend as it does on their models..
I wrote you this love poem: Here, just take my credit card.
Roses are red vilouts are blue your moms beautiful what happened to you!
The wife and I never really argue except on where to vacation. I wanna go to the beach and she wants to come with me
Someone just told me to "Have a good morning". What about the rest of my day mother f*cker?
Saying “do I smell popcorn ” right after you fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.
You know what makes sex awesome? Actually having it.
Look in the mirror and tell me that God does not have a sense of humor.
Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Hell Yes.
My haters only have one advantage over me. They can kiss my a$$, I can`t.
Ever wish the choice you made and the “right thing to do” were the same thing?