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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
I`m an organ donor, but I`m pretty sure all they`re going to use my liver for is "after" photos.
If Google can`t find the answer, it`s not a question.
Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, “I thought you were peeing?”
There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that”
The wife finally agreed to anal sex... Does anyone know what a strap-on is?
Lets be honest. Half of life is messing up and half is frantically trying to fix it.
Capitalization can really change a sentence. Example: I love to eat candy ... I love to eat capitalization.
Had a pizza today without extra cheese. Dieting is hard
Pay no attention to the device around my ankle.
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it`s that everyone speaks English after they die.
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
I swear July only lasted like 3 minutes
What is it about a car that makes people think we can`t see them pick their nose?
How can you tell if someone went to the gym? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.