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“Swearing is unattractive” I’m not attractive anyway so f*ck off
I`m not mature enough to be in a yoga class.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won`t need to adjust her driving.
I will be back in 5 minutes, if I am not then please read this again! :D
The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
I can bench 250 lbs. And by that, I mean, I can sit myself down on a bench in a local park.
When your kids become teenagers, it`s important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.
The problem with this generation? The cartoons suck.
I didn`t think a McDonald`s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did...OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
The biggest lie I tell myself is: “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
How about this for lazy: I`m letting the NSA take all my selfies for me.
Wow, it`s beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn`t a glare on my screen.