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I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.
not to brag but I finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
I made a p@nis out of Legos. A literal c*ck block.
I`ve single handedly defeated my erection.
People are always much more interesting before you get to know them.
You`re an intellectual who doesn`t read books? I completely understand because I`m an athlete that rarely moves.
I hate it when the little voices argue with my imaginary friends.
If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be "bad at following directions."
just keep scrolling nothing to see hear
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
That moment when you have so many things to do...So you decide to take a nap instead!
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music
FACT: Men are much less likely to divulge a secret than women. Probably because they weren`t really listening to begin with.
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that it doesn`t let you skip.