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It hurts when you goto unfriend someone only to discover they beat you to it
I`m as nutty as a squirell fart
Tequila. For those nights you just want to pretend she`s hot.
I just drink until the sadness becomes hilarious.
My neighbors don`t appreciate it when I skip along the property line, singing "This Land is My Land."
Have you seen that new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it comes within 4in of it. DO NOT carry it in your back pocket!
I`m reading a book on anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.
I’M ENGAGED…..to be hungover tomorrow.
So much to do and so few alibis.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like `Stabbyrabbit` or `Weaponrat`
If you don’t count any of my failures, I’m quite successful.
Before coffee: Hates everybody. After coffee: Feels good about hating everybody.
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
Dreams are like pictures. I don`t care about yours unless I`m in them.
Help I`m covered in chameleons & no one believes me