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If you see me smiling it`s because I`m thinking of doing something evil or naughty ... If you see me laughing it`s because I`ve already done it
A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter`s school concert.
It`s the simple things that make me laugh....mostly you.
When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren`t my kids but he`d never fire a Mom of seven, right?
I just caught my husband smiling in his sleep. He`s going to pay for that later.
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
I don`t think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.
Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.
Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.
I don`t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands.
Listening to the voices in my head, I’ve concluded that they’re having more fun than me.
People that are organized are just too lazy to look for things.
my stomach just growled and it sounded like it said... `Droid`....
I wish bedtime was all the time.
The inside of my fridge: evidence that I’m still not a real adult.